Guh. Might have been a pie that was off, or the beer or the wine I had yesterday but my tummy is a bit iffy today.People often ask me how I’m alive and after I joke about it being a bloody miracle, seeing as I drink most pubs dry of an evening and sleep in a kebab given half the chance, I realise they mean because I’m made of cloth and stuffing and therefore shouldn’t technically be moving about being all sentient and that. I’ll let you into a little secret… I don’t bloody know!
I eat and drink and that gets turned into stuffing that gets absorbed or pooped out and suchlike and so forth. So I tell people, “I just am.” Right then, I’m off for a cure-all full breakfast and then going to sit in the pub with a newspaper (drawing moustaches and horns on all the pictures and filling in rude words in the crossword puzzle). Come join me! Buy me a pint and I’ll say, “Thanks!”
If I did have such a thing as a business card, what would I put on it other than my contact details?
Watching Marty ordering his last night I was surprised he didn’t add “Waster, Fat Bastard, Sheep Botherer” under his job title or profession or whatever it is he claims he does to keep me in beer.
It’s a miserable old time of year out there at the moment. Shortly to be followed by extended periods of not-much-better.
I’d just like to take a moment out of my busy schedule* to wish everyone a speedy recovery from whatever ailment is currently holding you hostage and making a rubbish time worse.
*waiting for the barlord to serve me some beer
Well there’s no sign of that old photograph showing me back in time. I must have gone back in time and stopped myself from going back in time before coming home and then going to the pub.
Shame. I wonder what I would’ve got up to if I hadn’t stopped myself going. How I can even remember any of this is puzzling enough but I suppose it must have been years of proximity to the tell when Star Trek was on.
I woke up in the attic of my local pub this morning. I don’t know how! I just did.
I discovered an old photograph that clearly has me on it – same shirt, buttons and Star Wars pyjama bottoms. Everything!
Now, this photo dates back to the 1800’s AND I AIN’T THAT OLD!
Don’t worry about paradoxes, I shit ’em.
There is a takeaway on the way today. Me an’ Terry are hiding out ready to nab it before Marty gets his fat chops on it.
Any plans, weapons, advice welcome.
Oh my lovely little sandwich
Of cheese and pickle pure!
You slipped right out my ruddy paws
And fell right on the floor