Dear Everyone, It’s a miserable old time of year out there at the moment. Shortly to be followed by extended periods of not-much-better. I’d just like to take a moment out of my busy schedule* to wish everyone a speedy recovery from whatever ailment is currently holding you hostage and making a rubbish time worse.
Good cheer, you lot! I’ll raise a brew your way and scoff a pie or two in your honour because you know what? You’re bloody flippin’ great you are.
All the best, you sniffly smashers!
*waiting for the barlord to serve me some beer
Well there’s no sign of that old photograph showing me back in time. I must have gone back in time and stopped myself from going back in time before coming home and then going to the pub. Shame. I wonder what I would’ve got up to if I hadn’t stopped myself going. How I can even remember any of this is puzzling enough but I suppose it must have been years of proximity to the tell when Star Trek was on.
What are you lot doing today? I’m going to be dressing up as a medieval bear and growling at some princesses and maidens and suchlike because it’s Medieval Day at the local! No idea what medieval bears look like. I wonder if there’s a time machine anywhere I could borrow…
Still. Plenty of ale, buxom ladieeees, sword fights, jousting probably… pie? I hope there’s pie.
The things we do to pass the time on Wednesdays when you lot are out at work! Hahaaaa!
TO THE TAVERN!
I woke up in the attic of my local pub this morning. I don’t know how! I just did. I discovered an old photograph that clearly has me on it – same shirt, buttons and Star Wars pyjama bottoms. Everything! Now, this photo dates back to the 1800’s AND I AIN’T THAT OLD!
After stumbling down to the kitchen and helping myself to some bacon and that, I started to wonder if there was some time-traveling experiment about to go wonky somewhere.
I listened for a humming, a build up of temporal power or whatever but I couldn’t hear anything. Over the munching of my bacon sandwich.
So just in case I get lobbed through time, is there anything you’d like me to change while I’m back there? Don’t worry about paradoxes, I shit ’em.
What you lot think of as Christmas Eve, us lot think of as the Eve of the Thud.
Ursa Major created the world but didn’t have any colouring-in skills so He sent Ursa Minor to Earth with some holy crayons, paints and oils and that.
Ursa Minor was very good at colouring stuff in and on what we now call Ursmas, Ursa Minor landed with an almighty Thud somewhere just outside Kent.
He attracted many followers around the world as he painted His way across the globe. Stopped at many taverns and pie shops blessing each of them with a lick of paint and a signed portrait.
Ursa Minor was pretty much loved by everyone! He brought colour to their lives, profits to the pie and booze shops and could tell some blindingly witty jokes and anecdotes (like the one about Ursa Major’s stocking disaster. That never gets old!)
Of course Ursmas means a lot more to the younger bears just starting out on their discovery of pies and beer but deep down we all enjoy it and bang our beer mugs on the table and tell dirty jokes while we wait for the pies to cook.
Followers of The Bearcast ( http://thebearcast.mevio.com/ ) you will soon be weeping with the true majesty and might of this most wondrous of pictures.
Finally revealed, the Secret Picture we’ve been banging on about throughout the whole of Series 2.
Be strong, I know it’s awe inspiring and heroic and has indeed made many a manly man blubber manfully. So it’s okay, let one single tear drift down your face and relax knowing that such beauty exists.
Now I must stare manfully into the distance and reflect upon this.
Back in 2008 when BBC Three went all re-branding and suchlike there was a Be on TV slot where anyone at all could, and did, send in 15 second idents to show before the show of their choosing. That was my first telly appearance! I have, since around 2003, been all computer literated and suchlike posting my handsome mug up on the internet on things like YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, blogs and have of course my own audio adventures and podcast (sadly deceased for a bit). So when I saw, just the other day, some bugger called Mr Sleep advertising Travelodge with what can surely be described as “Hang on, that’s a bit bloody familiar!” I was not best pleased I can tell you. Nothing I can do against those with money is there. Is there? They could have asked me to do it, I’d have jumped at the chance. But nah, they see me, change enough details to make it “different” to avoid the gravity well of copyright infringement and sail on their merry way being patted on the back for coming up with such an original idea. I’m going to the pub. *sad*