Jan 28

London In The Grip Of Another Financial Buggering

A fucking cable car.
 

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Yes! Because that’s what we need! More pointless spending of millions to connect people to a couple of places for the fucking Olympics!

It’s brilliant that we’re in so much financial trouble and businesses, libraries, pubs, shops, homes are being lost that we can spend a good few million quid on something completely frivolous like a fucking cable car.

Fuck the Olympics right in the ear. Cancel it, get the money back and stop wasting our fucking lives!URL:  www.bbc.co.uk

Jan 28

Dodgy Tummy Stuffing

Guh. Might have been a pie that was off, or the beer or the wine I had yesterday but my tummy is a bit iffy today.

People often ask me how I’m alive and after I joke about it being a bloody miracle, seeing as I drink most pubs dry of an evening and sleep in a kebab given half the chance, I realise they mean because I’m made of cloth and stuffing and therefore shouldn’t technically be moving about being all sentient and that.

I’ll let you into a little secret… I don’t bloody know!
I eat and drink and that gets turned into stuffing that gets absorbed or pooped out and suchlike and so forth. So I tell people, “I just am.”

Right then, I’m off for a cure-all full breakfast and then going to sit in the pub with a newspaper (drawing moustaches and horns on all the pictures and filling in rude words in the crossword puzzle).

Come join me! Buy me a pint and I’ll say, “Thanks!”

Jan 25

If I Had a Business Card

If I did have such a thing as a business card, what would I put on it other than my contact details?
Watching Marty ordering his last night I was surprised he didn’t add “Waster, Fat Bastard, Sheep Botherer” under his job title or profession or whatever it is he claims he does to keep me in beer.

I reckon for me I would put “Verified Awesome” as one. I dunno. I am though so at least mine would be accurate!

Going to go out to the café now. We’re out of bacon and I’m hungry. If you see an old teddy bear munching on a bacon sarnie in a café any time soon, nip in and say, “You’re awesome!”

Ta.

Jan 20

Get Well Now

Dear Everyone,
It’s a miserable old time of year out there at the moment. Shortly to be followed by extended periods of not-much-better.
I’d just like to take a moment out of my busy schedule* to wish everyone a speedy recovery from whatever ailment is currently holding you hostage and making a rubbish time worse.

Good cheer, you lot! I’ll raise a brew your way and scoff a pie or two in your honour because you know what? You’re bloody flippin’ great you are.

All the best, you sniffly smashers!

Jeb


*waiting for the barlord to serve me some beer

Jan 19

Taverning

Well there’s no sign of that old photograph showing me back in time. I must have gone back in time and stopped myself from going back in time before coming home and then going to the pub.
Shame. I wonder what I would’ve got up to if I hadn’t stopped myself going. How I can even remember any of this is puzzling enough but I suppose it must have been years of proximity to the tell when Star Trek was on.

What are you lot doing today? I’m going to be dressing up as a medieval bear and growling at some princesses and maidens and suchlike because it’s Medieval Day at the local! No idea what medieval bears look like. I wonder if there’s a time machine anywhere I could borrow…

Still. Plenty of ale, buxom ladieeees, sword fights, jousting probably… pie? I hope there’s pie.

The things we do to pass the time on Wednesdays when you lot are out at work! Hahaaaa!

TO THE TAVERN!

Jan 18

Pub Attic Panic

I woke up in the attic of my local pub this morning. I don’t know how! I just did.
I discovered an old photograph that clearly has me on it – same shirt, buttons and Star Wars pyjama bottoms. Everything!
Now, this photo dates back to the 1800’s AND I AIN’T THAT OLD!

After stumbling down to the kitchen and helping myself to some bacon and that, I started to wonder if there was some time-traveling experiment about to go wonky somewhere.

I listened for a humming, a build up of temporal power or whatever but I couldn’t hear anything. Over the munching of my bacon sandwich.

So just in case I get lobbed through time, is there anything you’d like me to change while I’m back there?
Don’t worry about paradoxes, I shit ’em.

Dec 23

Beartide Greetings

What you lot think of as Christmas Eve, us lot think of as the Eve of the Thud.

Ursa Major created the world but didn’t have any colouring-in skills so He sent Ursa Minor to Earth with some holy crayons, paints and oils and that.

Ursa Minor was very good at colouring stuff in and on what we now call Ursmas, Ursa Minor landed with an almighty Thud somewhere just outside Kent.

He attracted many followers around the world as he painted His way across the globe. Stopped at many taverns and pie shops blessing each of them with a lick of paint and a signed portrait.

Ursa Minor was pretty much loved by everyone! He brought colour to their lives, profits to the pie and booze shops and could tell some blindingly witty jokes and anecdotes (like the one about Ursa Major’s stocking disaster. That never gets old!)

Of course Ursmas means a lot more to the younger bears just starting out on their discovery of pies and beer but deep down we all enjoy it and bang our beer mugs on the table and tell dirty jokes while we wait for the pies to cook.

Beary Ursmas, you gorgeous smashers you!

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