It’s not often I go to the pub and see an old mate of mine. It is however quite often that I go to the pub.
There’s this guy I know, he’s called Mr Big (for no other reason than he’s quite small). And he drinks lager, but y’know, he’s a mate so I let it go.
Was telling him about all the audio stuff, podcasts and whatnot I’m up to these days and he just doesn’t get it. He even frowned when I took his pic!
“You gonna put that up on that internet, then? Fahkin’ ‘ell. Whassat thing, that thing, that thing, that dongle? Ha ha haaa!”
And on he went.
After half an hour I realised why it’d been so long since we last met up.
But yeah, lovely fella.
Mr H Big Esq
But somehow I pull it off… hahaa!
Hello, cheekies, what’s occurring in your worlds today? I’m relatively happy this morning as I strolled out into this fine blustery day, damaging knees and shins of those who don’t have the spatial awareness they were born with.
I stumble into a bus stop and see that they’re advertising the James Bond DVD with myself in the image, which is nice. Especially because I wasn’t in the fucking film in the first place! But I guess they’re trying to stay in my good books for some reason.
So what’s on for the rest of the day? I have no clue. Suggestions, pies, beers… all welcome.
Now, give us a kiss!
I am at a pub called The Bear. Ha ha haaa! Next time you’re in a pub called “The Human” take a pic and say to yourself, “I’m in a pub called The Human and I’m a human!! LOL-Kong!”.
The beer had the aroma of feet but tasted okay.
An old favourite.
While I’m sitting here drinking coffee and eating massive KitKats I am also listening to the outstanding Big Finish first story in their Sapphire and Steel range. I’ve heard season three but this is the first time I’ve listened to the first episodes of season one.
My word, this is the good shit.
Even the cat seems calm as if she knows that this is important, that this means something to an ol’ teddy bear like me.
Loved this show when it was on telly and am loving the new production immensely. I hope they do more, the end of season three was a blinder, I need to know what happens next!
If you have any interest in this then get onto Big Finish and get this in your lovely ears!
Given that I’m roughly 1/6th the size of you, give or take (depends how much dinner I’ve had) a lot of people just can’t seem to operate their legs at a speed I like to refer to as a normal walking pace.
There is no such thing as walking in a straight line, the times I’ve weaved left and right trying to pass someone as they farted about in a kind of dreamlike zig-zag manner as if they’re trying to escape extremely slow bullets is epically frequent.
There is no such thing as being able to walk while operating a mobile phone, texting or talking – it’s all the same. It’s as if the brain goes, “Hold on! Gods! I’m engaging in social interaction here, legs you may lose some degree of performance while this process is in effect.”
And for those of you who are walking towards me and actually see me but still walk into me anyway, you’re all spatially unaware retards! The concept of moving slightly to one side is a skill only I seem to possess. If I don’t move out of the way far enough and you collide with me I will now throw bricks at your head until you fucking apologise!
I could go on but I need a beer.
Well for starters, don’t call us “stuffies” yeah? Faux Furries? Toys? Sentient Teddy Bears?
(The last one is okay with me)
Yes, hello. My name is Jeb and I am a sentient teddy bear of London, England (rather than London, USA, which I hear is rubbish).
There are many things in my tiny little magnificent life that get on my wick, and that’s ignorance of our tiny little magnificent plight. The plight of bears like myself not getting an even hearing out there, specifically, on the internet.
There’s plenty of my kind out there building our own little web presence, snuggling into comfy corners, enlightening the world in our quest for pork pies and beer (well, those are my specialities at least). Those in power like to cut us off though.
Facebook is a prime example. You can have profiles for your little human babies, your cats, your dogs and even your dirty parrots or whatever breed of bird you care to flap on about. But teddy bears?
“Fuck ‘em!” Says Facebook. “Fuck ‘em in their stupid cloth ear’oles. We see a bear profile, we’ll wipe the fucker!”
Which, to me, seems a little harsh. What they do is every so often go through obviously not-human profiles and hit Delete. WHY?
It’s not enough that most of us don’t reach higher than your kneecaps and many see us as cushions or objects to throw across the room. This is the 21st Century, for Rupert’s sake! Freedom of speech, freedom to express oneself and freedom to entertain those that want to be entertained by us. What other allegedly “social” networks operate under the same principles? A name-and-shame seems to be in order. And then a very steiff letter to the Prime Minister.
Rumours of a Facebook-like cull on Twitter reached my old glass beads recently and that just will not do. If anyone can verify this I’d be grateful.
I hope that if you’re reading this that you support us lot, support freedom for the stuffed toy animal to represent themselves on the internet, love me and most importantly… lend me enough money for a pint or two of beer tomorrow.
This has been my little rant on this matter.
I can’t see if you can leave comments on this site, so please do email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org if you’d like to, and I hope that you do.