Jan 28

London In The Grip Of Another Financial Buggering

A fucking cable car.


Yes! Because that’s what we need! More pointless spending of millions to connect people to a couple of places for the fucking Olympics!

It’s brilliant that we’re in so much financial trouble and businesses, libraries, pubs, shops, homes are being lost that we can spend a good few million quid on something completely frivolous like a fucking cable car.

Fuck the Olympics right in the ear. Cancel it, get the money back and stop wasting our fucking lives!URL:  www.bbc.co.uk

Jan 28

Dodgy Tummy Stuffing

Guh. Might have been a pie that was off, or the beer or the wine I had yesterday but my tummy is a bit iffy today.

People often ask me how I’m alive and after I joke about it being a bloody miracle, seeing as I drink most pubs dry of an evening and sleep in a kebab given half the chance, I realise they mean because I’m made of cloth and stuffing and therefore shouldn’t technically be moving about being all sentient and that.

I’ll let you into a little secret… I don’t bloody know!
I eat and drink and that gets turned into stuffing that gets absorbed or pooped out and suchlike and so forth. So I tell people, “I just am.”

Right then, I’m off for a cure-all full breakfast and then going to sit in the pub with a newspaper (drawing moustaches and horns on all the pictures and filling in rude words in the crossword puzzle).

Come join me! Buy me a pint and I’ll say, “Thanks!”

Jan 25

If I Had a Business Card

If I did have such a thing as a business card, what would I put on it other than my contact details?
Watching Marty ordering his last night I was surprised he didn’t add “Waster, Fat Bastard, Sheep Botherer” under his job title or profession or whatever it is he claims he does to keep me in beer.

I reckon for me I would put “Verified Awesome” as one. I dunno. I am though so at least mine would be accurate!

Going to go out to the café now. We’re out of bacon and I’m hungry. If you see an old teddy bear munching on a bacon sarnie in a café any time soon, nip in and say, “You’re awesome!”


Jan 20

Get Well Now

Dear Everyone,
It’s a miserable old time of year out there at the moment. Shortly to be followed by extended periods of not-much-better.
I’d just like to take a moment out of my busy schedule* to wish everyone a speedy recovery from whatever ailment is currently holding you hostage and making a rubbish time worse.

Good cheer, you lot! I’ll raise a brew your way and scoff a pie or two in your honour because you know what? You’re bloody flippin’ great you are.

All the best, you sniffly smashers!


*waiting for the barlord to serve me some beer

Jan 19


Well there’s no sign of that old photograph showing me back in time. I must have gone back in time and stopped myself from going back in time before coming home and then going to the pub.
Shame. I wonder what I would’ve got up to if I hadn’t stopped myself going. How I can even remember any of this is puzzling enough but I suppose it must have been years of proximity to the tell when Star Trek was on.

What are you lot doing today? I’m going to be dressing up as a medieval bear and growling at some princesses and maidens and suchlike because it’s Medieval Day at the local! No idea what medieval bears look like. I wonder if there’s a time machine anywhere I could borrow…

Still. Plenty of ale, buxom ladieeees, sword fights, jousting probably… pie? I hope there’s pie.

The things we do to pass the time on Wednesdays when you lot are out at work! Hahaaaa!


Jan 18

Pub Attic Panic

I woke up in the attic of my local pub this morning. I don’t know how! I just did.
I discovered an old photograph that clearly has me on it – same shirt, buttons and Star Wars pyjama bottoms. Everything!
Now, this photo dates back to the 1800’s AND I AIN’T THAT OLD!

After stumbling down to the kitchen and helping myself to some bacon and that, I started to wonder if there was some time-traveling experiment about to go wonky somewhere.

I listened for a humming, a build up of temporal power or whatever but I couldn’t hear anything. Over the munching of my bacon sandwich.

So just in case I get lobbed through time, is there anything you’d like me to change while I’m back there?
Don’t worry about paradoxes, I shit ’em.