I want to punch slow walking people in the back of the knees.

Given that I’m roughly 1/6th the size of you, give or take (depends how much dinner I’ve had) a lot of people just can’t seem to operate their legs at a speed I like to refer to as a normal walking pace.

There is no such thing as walking in a straight line, the times I’ve weaved left and right trying to pass someone as they farted about in a kind of dreamlike zig-zag manner as if they’re trying to escape extremely slow bullets is epically frequent.

There is no such thing as being able to walk while operating a mobile phone, texting or talking – it’s all the same. It’s as if the brain goes, “Hold on! Gods! I’m engaging in social interaction here, legs you may lose some degree of performance while this process is in effect.”

And for those of you who are walking towards me and actually see me but still walk into me anyway, you’re all spatially unaware retards! The concept of moving slightly to one side is a skill only I seem to possess. If I don’t move out of the way far enough and you collide with me I will now throw bricks at your head until you fucking apologise!

I could go on but I need a beer.

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